A TARDIS Shaped Lamp
by Mint18
Summary: Oh Doctor you got me used to a lifestyle I should never have started living... Clara reflects on her life with the Doctor and where it all went wrong. Set after Face the Raven (Ep 10).


A TARDIS Shaped Lamp

Oh Doctor, you got me used to a lifestyle I should never have started living.

One day you took me away in your TARDIS. You showed me what the universe looked like and granted my every wish. I saw more than I could possibly have imagined and set foot on more planets than I could possibly have dreamed of.

But unfortunately the wonders of the universe come with a price.

With you I found magic, excitement, mystery and adventure…but along the way I lost myself.

I forgot I was Clara Oswald. Human. English Teacher and former girlfriend of Danny Pink. I forgot I was breakable.

I became everything I told you not to be and broke every single one of your rules. My price was learning why you have them. Never gamble when you know you can't win or when there is no need to make the bet in the first place.

All that conceit, that ego that I told you off for, that I blamed the loss of so many lives on, I inherited. I became what I hated most in you. I became a risk taker, a dare devil. I laughed instead of cowered if my life was in danger. I was no longer afraid to die, but then I'd forgotten I could.

The TARDIS, your TARDIS Doctor is magic. It is a place where wishes are granted and dreams come true, but it always comes to an end.

But you know better than anyone that life is fleeting don't you Doctor? You with your big sad eyes, you know that life is beautiful and wonderful and terribly sad when it is over. And that more than anything is why you run. To find the next shining star before it dims and winks out of existence.

I hope I was beautiful.

I really did try to be.

I remember when we first started to run. Back then you wore a different face. You smiled at me and waved those gangly arms of yours around and dragged me into your snogbox. Back then I cautious. I knew that it was too much of a good thing. I knew that it was dangerous as well as beautiful. Back then I recognised the fear under the adrenaline and I knew where to draw the line and when to tell you that you'd gone too far. What you didn't tell me is that I would forget if I stuck around too long. Suddenly it wasn't enough to see you once a week, I needed more, and like the junkie I was steadily becoming I needed more than just that one fleeting hit.

At first I was in control, as I usually am. I had a designated time to see you and that was that. But then you changed your face, you became more reckless, more daring and _old,_ and I felt my control slipping. I lost Danny, my love and I lost it completely, but suddenly I didn't care. I had no reason to return to Earth, except to attend classes occasionally and the blessing of a time machine meant it was _very_ occasionally.

I was no longer Clara. I was no longer human and I no longer belonged on Earth. I thought I belonged with you. The pretence that I could be like you, the jokes that I knew as much as you gave way to true entitlement and suddenly it was no longer the same pretence. I truly believed we were equals and even in some ways that I was better. You might have been unique but I _shone_ and yet still I continued to pretend that I had any right to be your moral compass. Then being human seemed weak (Now I know being human is a strength) and useless and gradually my humanity became a fading dream. Not that I noticed until it was too late. Suddenly the little people were human and dispensable if it meant saving you and the lifestyle I loved so much. I no longer associated with _them_ outside of our adventures, you and me Doctor, we were one of a kind.

We were magnificent and beautiful and terrible. We fought wars and ended injustices, but we created just as many. We became more than just a force to be reckoned with, we became fate. I became a monster, and now I'm going to take the first step towards fixing that. That's what makes my death right, because it separates me from you and I know that that it will help heal the universe. Self-realisation seems to precede imminent death. Funny that.

So here we stand you and I, at the end. I've righted my wrongs- or at least I've tried- and I finally understand the lessons you've been trying so hard to teach me. The care I should have taken. I recognise the reckless abandon that has become my undoing. Now I remember who I am. I am Clara Oswald, human, not Timelord, not a hybrid and I am ready.

It's time to face the raven.

It's time for you to let me go.

 **A/N: Hello lovelies this is my FIRST Doctor Who fic so please be nice and leave me a review! I love hearing what you all think! xx**


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